Thanks, Facebook, for the Laugh

Well, the office is not quite ready to show you so, until it is, here is a slightly amusing story to tide you over.

As many of you use Facebook I'm sure you're aware that they are constantly breaking everything tweaking their site. In this latest revision our posts and comments are visible to friends of friends even more than ever before and this can have some amusing consequences. Husband was recently commenting with a friend about a new video game they are both enjoying (as are several million others according to the record breaking sales numbers) and he got some fun hatemail in his Facebook inbox this morning. He decided to not respond and encourage the random internet person but I thought it would be more fun to yank his (her?) chain.

The Facebook message Husband recieved looked like this (some minor language):

you have a kids and your playing games? are you fucken kidding me? put the toys away little boy and take your kid to the park or spend some time with it. .i swear people are sick in the head these days . .

My kids are all well loved and played with and we make it a point to spend individual time with each of them. But this random person apparently decided that you can't enjoy a game and love your children at the same time and sent the missive above. Husband ignored it but I thought he should have responded with the following just for a laugh (please keep in mind that I am the last person to be the grammar police and I was only doing it to be a smart-ass in this case. I'm sure there are lots of grammar problems with many of my posts and I have no high horses about it):

Well, actually, I spend a lot of time with my kids and play computer games mostly after they are asleep in bed. In case you are thinking this means I ignore my wife, please be assured that she is playing right next to me and we do not lack for quality time together. However, before you decide to attack random people for random things on Facebook perhaps you should look to yourself. I can only imagine, since you are so passionate about the subject, that your parents spent a lot of time with you. It’s a shame they couldn’t teach you to write coherent sentences during that time. In lieu of your parents teaching you basic common sense and grammar, please allow me to help you out.

Sentences start with capital letters. It’s “You”, not “you”. Next, if you are using the word “kids” instead of “kid” then you can omit the “a” as it is unnecessary and doesn’t make much sense. Simply say “You have kids and…”. Also, “your” is possessive meaning something belongs to me. The correct usage you were looking for is “you are” or “you’re”, not “your”. Again, capital letters are most helpful in denoting the beginning of a sentence and you may want to consider using them as in “Are” instead of “are”. I assume you are aware, as of course your intelligent discourse suggests, that the word would be “fucking”, not “fucken” unless you actually meant, perhaps, a strange cross breed of a frog, duck, and chicken, in which case I can see how that makes sense in the same way that the new holiday dinner bird is called a turducken (turkey, duck, and chicken). However, since that would also not make any sense in that sentence I can only assume that your sentence enhancer was misspelled. Technically, a computer game is not considered a toy and is an entirely different sales market and you may simply want to say “game” (and you forgot another capital letter). I can assure you that I am not that little and am, in fact, over 6 feet tall so you may want to come up with a more thoughtful and intelligent insult. Also, you forgot to use commas, which is the correct way to address someone in a sentence (“Put the games away, little boy, and…”). My kids love the park and I believe it would be accurate to assume that I have been there more recently than you as no one with your particularly cranky demeanor could possibly have seen the sun in some time (are you related to Golem, by chance?). Really, the word “or” doesn’t seem correct in the next sentence, as you are suggesting that I do both, in which case you should say “and”, especially since going to the park IS spending time so it can’t be an “or” as I would, by the very definition, be doing both at once which would also make it an “and”. After you remove the gratuitous period in the next sentence, capitalize the “I” and then add a comma after swear (“I swear, people…”) and you’ll be just about done. In order to save you time I have corrected your oversights (notice the correct usage of the word “your” in this sentence for reference) for you and you may use the sentence below.

You have kids and you’re playing games!? Are you fucking kidding me? Put the games away, Random Name Call, and take your kids to the park again and spend some more time with them when they are supposed to be sleeping. I swear, people are as sick in the head as me these days.

No thanks necessary,
Your new Facebook friend