"Why do I keep hitting myself in the head with a hammer?
Because it feels SO good when I stop."
~ Grey's Anatomy
This was a very long weekend. Some of it was lovely and seeing my sisters was (mostly) really nice. The reason for the gathering was not a good one (which I will talk more about in its own post later). And the old arguments that just never seem to go away I wish would just die already.
I drove home yesterday and spent almost the entire drive angry and ranting inside my own head. And believe me, 8 hours is a long time to rant.
Everyone has a "hammer" of some sort. It's something you do that is bad for you, or for those around you. Maybe it's an addiction, maybe it's eating when you're not hungry, or perhaps you're a workaholic. You might even have several hammers in varying shapes and sizes. The reasons why we hold our hammers are many. Some people are too attached to their hammers to let them go. Some think that if they hit themselves enough times the hammer won't hurt them anymore. Some people won't acknowledge that the hammer is a problem. Perhaps they think they don't deserve better than the hammer. The reasons for keeping the hammers are as bountiful as the types of hammers themselves.
In my case the hammer has a name and shares DNA with me. 14 years ago I decided to put the hammer down. I realized that I had a very one sided relationship with it. I kept bludgeoning myself with the hammer thinking that eventually it would become a "normal" relationship. And then, at the age of 16, I realized that eventually enough is enough. I still talk to this person a couple of times a year and I didn't shut them out. I just stopped trying. Because every time I tried I was hitting myself all over again.
Why is it that the people whose hammers are most similar to our own, the ones who would understand the damage the hammer causes better than anyone, are the very same ones who encourage us to pick it up again? And are angry with us when we won't?
Unfortunately there isn't really a "DNA Anonymous" so I'm left to deal with this one by myself. I think that there should be a "Hammers Anonymous". There are two steps. 1.Put the hammer down. 2.Don't pick it up today. There are no lectures for slipping up and accidentally picking up your hammer. Tomorrow you just try it again. Put it down, and don't pick it up.
Hello, my name is Sara and I haven't picked up my hammer in 14 years.
And know what? It really does feel so good when I stop.
